santa changed his religion

Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa decided to change his religion. He joined a priest in a church as his assistant.
One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended,
He called Santa D'Costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him.

Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: " I committed adultery"
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times"
Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.
He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery"
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times"
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"
Santa: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery"
Santa: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once"
Santa: "Go do it two more times, we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00"

Efficient secretary

Santa comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "Daddy, I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife, Jeeto's gaze upon him, Santa explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

The Assault

Dracula has just spent the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. Feeling intoxicated, he begins heading for home sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He turns around and sees no one. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

A few yards further and thud ... smacked on the head again! He whirls round as quickly as he can. No one! As he looks down, there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground.

A few yards further along the street and whack ... smacked on the back of the head a third time! He whirls round as quickly as he can and still sees no one. Looking down, there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He's getting really confused and angry now.

He stands and and waits a few moments, peering into the darkness of the night. Feeling it's now safe to continue his journey home. He walks a few yards further when he gets a sudden tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist, he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart.

He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a meatball. On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath, he gasps, "Who are you?"

The girl smiles and replies, "My name is Buffet, the Vampire Slayer!"

Spare Engine

BMW cars were having back mounted engines earlier.

Santa purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Santa came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat.

By that time Banta came by that way and saw our Santa, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter.

Santa: "The BMW people made me fool.They have given me the Car without the engine."

Banta: "Don't worry. I have spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that."

Check your 'sent' emails

It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Read this short funny story

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Philosophy 101

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute!

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

The Rare Parrot

A young man's mother was now living in Melbourne and he didn't see her that often.

His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.

For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages.

He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

Difference between men and women friends

Friendship between women.

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

**********************************************************************************************

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

First Aid on the Golf Course

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Ways to cure a headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your te*ti*les to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the te*ti*les."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your te*ti*les up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Taxi Drivers

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy - they have sex with men for money...."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

Ordering from the Catalog

Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.

Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"

Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Walking is Especially Beneficial

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

.And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Be Kind to Drunks

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Charity Raffle Prize

Harry and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Harry won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.

Harry asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Harry , "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper."

Smartness Vs Intelligence

Einstein and Banta are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

Einstein says, "Let's play a game. I will ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $ 5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

Einstein asks the first question: What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?

Banta doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket and pulls out a $ 5.

Now, it's Banta's turn. He asks Einstein, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs?"

Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends. After an hour, he gives Banta $500.

Einstein going nuts and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Banta reaches his pocket and gives Einstein $ 5.

Computer Tech Support

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Mm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[OUCHh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ahoy--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem.
I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Mm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned
it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch
because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have
more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"UHF hub. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-- it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--??? " ...[AAAAAAAAAARGH!]

Really Difficult When Drunk

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Draw the bedroom curtains

Paddy met Mick in the street and said, 'Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife !'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was sniggering when they saw you two making love yesterday.'

Mick said, 'Nosey buggers, well then, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'

The Curse of Silence

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"